Once Bitten

It's hard to believe something as unimportant as Facebook, a social media platform started by a horny-and-undesirable Harvard student, has caused so much strife in my life.

But since I've made this struggle public (on Facebook) and have changed my mind a few times (on Facebook), I should probably explain the why and how's of where I am (but not on Facebook). But first, here's where I am.

On January 18, 2024, I deactivated my Facebook account and everything associated with it. Instagram, Messenger, Whatsapp, all the groups I've created, all the thousands of photos and tens of thousands of posts, all gone. Countless interactions, laughs, arguments, heartfelt moments and insights are now consigned to the black.

For a whole week.

As I write this, it's like they never existed. This is something I've wanted to do for a long time, and I finally made the decision to do so. The moment I clicked the button, a peace washed over me. The noise stopped. I could think again.

But it will not stand. And the reasons why are complicated. Please crack a beer, walnut or hard boiled egg, and settle in for a story.

I decided to leave Facebook right after the new year. I've long been disappointed with Facebook's policies, especially in how they DO. NOT. CARE. ONE. BIT. if someone is using their platform for fraud. I recently witnessed a group get hijacked by unknown forces. The admins were deleted and blocked, new admins took the reins, and they're now doing something nefarious to the members, who don't even know this happened. Facebook was duly informed about this by the group's owners and they took immediate action. Which is to say, they didn't do a thing. They're also fond of running ads by scammers and obvious fraudsters, and when one of us points out to them that it's a scam, we get a "Does not go against community standards" notice, if anything at all.

Long ago, decided that Facebook would not get any more of my money. Yes, I used to advertise some things I did on Facebook, but I stopped that practice maybe ten years ago. But who am I kidding, that was the smallest bit of revenue they make from me. Every click, every scroll, every time I pause over a reel—they make money. I am a gold mine for them—someone who lives on the platform all day, sharing places I've been, thoughts I've had, pictures of cats and dinner—all the kind to stuff that fills their database with juicy bits that advertisers crave.

My mere presence on Facebook enrichens them. And I'm not OK with that, just as I'm not OK patronizing Chik-Fil-A, Hobby Lobby, or any business with an overlarge sign with a single word that rhyme with "rump." Principles are complicated and worthy of another post, but suffice it to say, Facebook has violated my principles.

Add to that the addiction I have. Every morning I wake up, open my eyes, grab my phone, and open Facebook. I check it every five minutes all day long, and the last thing I look at before I enter a hopefully dreamless sleep is Facebook. Many days, I find myself hypnotized on the couch having lost 60-90 minutes of time with no intention of doing so. And what I'm absorbing usually isn't for my benefit. It's political arguments (which I engage in), manipulation, and fodder for my overwhelming desire to withdraw from the human race. I find it VERY hard to look away from the never-ending train wreck.

So leaving makes a LOT of sense.

But then, folks say "You can fix all that. Give yourself limits. Use Social Fixer and other programs to tailor your experience. Block more people. Stop taking the bait. Get rid of all those people you don't know on your friends list. Only post in groups. Don't post in groups." Etc. And yes, I could do all that (except the parts relating to addiction, perhaps.) But, I'll admit to being quite annoyed by these responses because THAT IS NOT THE POINT I'M TRYING TO MAKE. My personal experience is NOT the issue.

My desire to leave Facebook is because IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. That's what's been on my mind these past few weeks. And so very few folks seem to even know what I'm talking about. It's baffling.

Meta, the parent company of Facebook, is evil. They're vampiristic, feeding off the juices of their victims. Here's one accounting of their problems.

When I made the decision to leave, someone asked why and then someone else answered that it was because of this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7y28SCzUhI

Please watch that if you can.

Holy shit. Facebook is now part of the Trump administration. I had already decided to leave before this, but that put a seal on that decision. I started making plans to extricate myself from all things Meta permanently.

But then someone posted something to the effect of "But Jeff, your posts are a big part of the reason I stay on Facebook."

I stared at the screen, stunned.

It had never crossed my glitchy little mind that folks might notice when I left. I hadn't even considered it. And then, the importance of that simple statement hit home: I was part of the reason that people were staying on Facebook. I'm making things worse by staying. A lock was placed on the seal of the decision to leave. Nothing could keep me there.

Except one thing.

One very important thing: my wife. I discuss everything with her. She's rational, patient, and kind and I listen to what she says very carefully. She pointed out all the connections that I'd made that would disappear (true, if you leave Facebook, you cease to exist), all the things I promote on the platform (true), all the history of 19 years that had been recorded there (I downloaded all 6GB worth). Everything she said was accurate: it would be a huge sacrifice for me to leave the platform.

And then she burst into tears.

What I hadn't considered and absolutely should have, was the impact my departure would have on her. We were three feet away, and yet leaving Facebook felt like severing a part of our relationship. Because all the times I said I above, I should have been thinking we. We've been on Facebook for the entirety of the 15 years of our relationship. Our wedding pictures are on there. All of our trips. A great many of our life experiences are found only there. Want a cute photo of us? It's only on Facebook. And I was telling her I was going to take it all away.

I simply can't do that.

Others pointed out that Facebook is integral to many small businesses. They don't have any other web presence. Entire communities exist only on Facebook, and leaving cuts yourself off from them. And as much of an echo chamber as Facebook is, it still exposes you to other points of view, which is increasingly important.

So why not leave Facebook for MeWe? Mastodon? Blue Sky? LinkedIn, MySpace and even Friendster (it's coming back)? Why not just stay on Discord? The simple truth is that there is nothing like Facebook. It is unique. Nothing connects people in the same way. It's a way of passively staying connected to people. Folks who aren't on Facebook probably can't understand that, but those of use who've literally built our social lives around the platform sure can.

I saw something recently that gave perspective to this. The UU Hysterical Society is a group on Facebook. It was started by a friend of mine from Canada who wanted to spread Unitarian Universalist values in a fun, friendly, welcoming way. She created a humor group on Facebook. It's heavily moderated, and the tone is consistent: fun, support, and fellowship. There will NEVER be any US politics, and while the humor is occasionally edgy, it's NEVER mean. And that's a rare thing. It has over 270,000 members.

Lately, the group has been having financial problems because Facebook has been suppressing their fundraising efforts. Why? Because Facebook doesn't get any of that money, I suppose. But when my friend put in countless hours posting about the problem, and how the group was in danger, members rallied and funded the group for the next good while.

There are good things on Facebook. Some of them can exist only on Facebook.

I believe we are entering a very dark age. If you think I'm wrong, I hope you're right. But if I'm right, groups like this are going to be important to an awful lot of people. And the way things are at present, they can only exist in the way that they do on Facebook.

So I made a plan.

THE PLAN

Step 1: Deactivate all Meta Accounts (DONE). No more Instagram. WhatsApp only when I'm forced to use it (International Travel). Messenger on a restricted schedule.

Step 2: Black out all social media from Jan 19-26, 2025. This was organized as a protest, but I no longer believe protests have any effect. For me, it's a bit of time to gain perspective. I'm also leaving Discord for this time period, though I've nothing against that platform, and will stay on Blue Sky so I can experience an entirely new platform during this time.

Step 3: Develop a personal code of conduct for Facebook. I'm still working on this, and I'll share if anyone would like to see it. It will be focussed on reducing harm, maximizing kindness, and reducing dependency. It may include time limits, posting restrictions, and will certainly continue the "never give Meta any money" edict.

Step 4: Reactivate Facebook on Jan 26 and follow new code of conduct.

Step 5: Spread social horizons. Join and engage with other services. Do more social things in meatspace. Try not to become a hermit.

That's the plan. I'm committed to it, and after weighing everything, I believe it's the best course of action. I do not feel good about it, but there are times when "doing the least harm" is the best course of action.

Please note that nothing here is meant to convince YOU to do anything. I'm simply responding to a public conversation I've been having.

This has been a rough time, and I'll state again what I stated the morning of November 7 (on Facebook): I don't know how we're going to get out of this, but the answer lies in kindness.

See you on the 26th.